PPC: Domination
by swift hunter
Summary: The Sue God has come and has all of Middle Earth under her control. The P.P.C has no choice but to unleash something that has spent the last few years locked away in darkness, or risk defeat. Suddenly Agent Shauna's life isn't so terrible.
1. The Room

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Lord of the Rings. Nor do I own the idea of the P.P.C. The Sue in this story is of my creation. May the world weep should we ever be graced with one like her.

**The Room**

The P.P.C was in a state of emergency. The once tried and trusted protectors were panicked and fearful. No one could have foreseen the abominations rise, or her ultimate domination of all others in her path.

It wasn't just a Sue. No, this was the mother of all Sues. Her author had created her with more power than anything imaginable and one by one the peoples of Middle Earth fell under her control. Arda had fallen, not with a bang but with the meekest of whimpers.

When it seemed as though Sue's story had finished, her path ended and the story complete in all it's 'happily ever after' glory, the author had tried to erase her. As most authors do, they improve and see the errors of their ways. It had so happened that this one attempted to change the story and improve the otherwise heinous plot… but the beast had been crafted with so much power that even the now terrified author could not undo her mistake. She became as much a pawn as her character had been.

And so it was that the P.P.C took notice. Where once they would have prevailed, they now found that even the most trusted agents would either succumb to her awesome influence or be driven back by the mass of followers that would throw themselves into harms way for their Queen.

This _Thing_was written in to the story as a companion to Eru. Regardless of the fact that Eru was the one, the beginning, the creator and I do believe genderless. She was his new counterpart, now made flesh with the express purpose of "solving" the problems of Middle Earth; creating peace with the all too easy wave of an arm and a monologue like proclamation. No one could come up with a way to defeat her. She is a Sue in every definition of the word and with her own author under her persuasion; she possesses the power to reshape the reality of Tolkien's masterpiece as she she's fit.

May Eru help us all, for this living God must be stopped and to do it the P.P.C must unleash their own beast. Something so utterly devoted to canon and the destruction of Sues that it is a danger to everyone.

May we be forgiven for what we are about to do.

* * *

Shauna made her way through the halls with her usually detached facial expression alive with panic and creased with worry lines. Her once youthful features aged by grief. She was a shadow of her former glory but the same could be said about everyone in the P.P.C They'd all been unnerved by the recent events and some had even been forced to retire; the trauma had been so much to bear.

She stood outside the door, waiting to gather what was left of her nerves before she made her entrance. She was really only even here because the SO asked her to and at the very least she could hear what had to be said before she did what most of the agents where now considering, and fled.

The door creaked open and Shauna stepped into a bland white room with a large pane of mirrored glass, two chairs and a table. It looked, in all honesty, to be an interrogation room. Like that was the last thing Shauna needed now, an interrogation.

Feeling incredibly awkward whilst standing, she slid out one of the chairs and parked herself comfortably while awaiting the "talk" she was going to get about duty and responsibilities. Since her once idolized partner had fallen under the beast's power, she'd given up all her faith in the P.P.C. She didn't care anymore.

A voice from the doorway greeted the broken agent.

"Agent Shauna…I know you're planning to leave us. You have every right to." The old woman reasoned.

Shauna's expression became one of paranoia induced panic. She hadn't been expecting this and she really didn't like to be surprised. Comfort wasn't in the P.P.C dictionary and if someone did offer sympathy or comfort, they usually had an ulterior motive. Hence the paranoia.

"We've all been hit hard by this…" The woman explained, though from the cold look to her eyes you'd never be able to tell.

The elderly woman's features were _almost_ friendly. Had Shauna not been aware that this was one of the most revered veterans, she would have been convinced of the sincerity. The woman continued when Shauna didn't reply.

"But there's always hope. We can't just give up, we've all worked too hard to just quit." She sounded resolute.

Shauna didn't want to hear this. She'd witnessed the thing's power. Seen experienced agents, friends, go glassy eyed and turn on her. The beast was just something that couldn't be destroyed. It had only been luck that she'd escaped the last time. She wouldn't end up like Claire, she just wouldn't.

"Have you actually seen it? Really? Have you seen it turn your friends into drooling zombies? We maybe had a chance when her power was limited to just the characters, the canon. How are we meant to fight something that can bend the mind of our own agents. HOW?"

Shauna's calm had broken and she couldn't hold back the tears that fell. She didn't want to show weakness but it was all too much and she'd undoubtedly reached the limit of any agent.

The woman seemed to steel herself in the face of Shauna's tears. She hardened her voice and lowered her tone.

"_We_ are not so helpless, Agent Shauna." She spoke with a glistening of something devilish to her eyes.

Shauna knew that the woman was not one to soften the truth. If they were going to fail she'd say it. So when she spoke of hope, she wasn't trying to cheer her up.

"We have our own weapon…while it comes with its fair share of risks…we…have no choice, now." She couldn't hide the regret or the desperation in her tone.

Shauna didn't care about fighting anymore. She just wanted to forget everything.

"Why are you telling me this? I'm not going to change my mind because all of a sudden, _you _have some secret weapon..." There was an air of fearful anticipation to the young womans trembling voice. There was a punchline coming and the agent could sense it.

The woman didn't let Shauna finish. Holding up one hand she silenced her.

"Step up to the window, please!" She ushered.

Shauna wasn't going to do anything but her curiosity won her over.

Standing she made her way cautiously to the glass. Taking a weary stance beside Eve she gasped as the lights went on and the room beyond the mirror was revealed.

Her face was a picture of confusion and horror. Sitting on the floor of a padded room, in a straight jacket, was a young girl. Her long dreadlocks could be seen to fall over her too pale face as she slowly rocked back and forth. She was muttering silently to herself as she cowered against the bright lights.

Shauna's face was a mixture of plain disgust and disbelief as she faced Eve. Happy to oblige Eve answered her silent questions.

"This…is Emma, formerly known as Agent Emma." She calmly stated.

The girl in the room looked up toward the mirror as though she could hear through the thick soundproof glass.

"She was one hell of an agent, back in the day. Killed more Sues in a year than most of us could in a decade. She didn't date, didn't take holidays, there was even a rumor that said she didn't even need to sleep. We all thought she was invincible, that nothing could ever get to her."

Shauna went a remarkable shade of green looking at the very obviously disturbed, agent.

"She was an adamant fan of the Lord of the Rings. The poor girl was almost obsessive when she said that the works were treasures to be protected. In all honesty, we shouldn't have placed her where we did but we couldn't have known that giving her that position in the Department of Bad Slash would have turned out to be her breaking point."

Shauna was more than aware of how horrific some of those slash stories could be. While a breach of canon, if written well, they could be interesting. But for a dedicated fan some of those stories could be very traumatic.

"What was it…the breaking point?"

Eve glanced away with disgust before elaborating on the story that broke the agent.

"It was a very graphic slash story between Faramir and his brother. An incest slash, so bad, that she actually tried to kill the author in the real world. She babbled about how the author was evil, how she needed to be destroyed. We, of course, tried to stop her and that's when things really went downhill. She attacked some of our agents and caused a hell of a lot of damage before we finally subdued her. She was beyond cracked at this point and when we got her back to HQ for treatment, she managed to escape through a malfunctioning portal. It took us weeks to open the portal again and find her, but the portal had been experiencing a time difference. Two weeks past here while five years past there."

Shauna was almost afraid to ask.

"Where did she end up?" She asked nervously.

The woman looked bad to the rocking form, now producing odd growls and clicks, before she sighed and replied.

"She ended up in the Predator and by connection, Alien universe. We believe she was stuck in a hive for the first two years before she was captured by a clan."

Shauna had ended up in one of those universes by accident, once. Not a pleasant place for a human to be running around.

"What did the clan do? I mean the Yautja aren't the most human friendly aliens around. In fact, I'm finding it hard to believe they didn't kill her on sight."

The woman chuckled,

"Apparently, she did them a favor. They'd been having their own problems with Sue infestations and unfortunately the P.P.C have very few agents willing to hunt there. From what we could gather there was a Sue on the clan ship that found her. After meeting our agent and batting her large Sue eyelashes at the clan leader, they took her aboard…where our agent proceeded to murder the Sue in most gruesome fashion. The clan of course snapped out of it and after their leader had finished chugging down whatever the Yautja qualify as brain bleach, he decided to keep her around. Eventually, they taught her how to hunt, alien style, and when we found her she was skinning some unfortunate Sue alive on a trading planet. She was still quite insane and very feral. As entertaining as they found her, the Yautja stayed out of her way, not so much out of fear as nervous caution. She's very aggressive and hasn't said anything other than "Death to the Sues" in English since she got here."

Shauna was feeling a little ill. The poor girl had seen and done what no agent should ever.

A blinding light clicked on in Shauna's head and she asked the question responsible for the horrific clarity.

"Why…are you telling me this?"

The woman turned to Shauna and smiled in a most unnerving way.

"She's your new partner!"

**Author's note: This has been given a little bit of a spruce. While I doubt it will ever be finished, I tried to weed out as much of the errors as I could. I'm presently moving through the chapters and doing the same.**


	2. Rehabilitation

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Well almost nothing. Shauna and Emma I own! **

**Rehabilitation**

Shauna let the words float around for a few seconds before she finally burst out laughing.

"This is some kind of joke, right? She's a mess... absolutely crazy. A complete liability. How long have you had her locked in there anyway? A year? Two?" She questioned in utter stunned disbelief.

Eve's face changed from the kind, warm, old person facade to one of a more threatening nature.

"I can assure you this is no joke. Erana's true power lies in her ability to control others. So, naturally, the one person who'll be able to withstand her influence is one who is out of control." She coldly rebuked.

Shauna was past the stage of denial and was rapidly entering the anger stage.

"No way!! I'm leaving...NOT, I repeat NOT taking on psychologically challenged partners!! Why me anyway? I can't handle my own issues let alone deal with hers. You find yourself another goddamn lunatic to do this. NOT ME!!" She yelled.

Both agents froze in their shoes as they heard a soft, slightly out of tune melody. It took them a moment to realize that the tune was coming from the padded room. The _supposedly_ soundproof room.

The little crazy had been listening to them all along and was standing there rocking on the balls of her feet singing something unrecognizable. It was haunting and surprisingly disturbing. In fact it ranked so high on Shauna's weird shit-o-meter that Erana was the only thing higher.

With a shaky voice, the red haired agent tried addressing the singing loony directly.

"Emma? Agent Emma? Can...you understand me?" She shakily questioned.

The series of clicks and growls left the P.P.C agent more than a little confused.

"Doesn't she speak, at all?" She half pleaded. Desperate for something to be normal about all this.

The older woman nodded her head slowly.

"Yes...but as I said earlier it's rarely in English. We had to acquire a Yautja translator for most of it." She sad shrugging faintly.

Shauna was now a little intrigued, foreign languages were a passion of hers.

"Well, what did she say?"

The woman took out a small flat device she'd been recording with and highlighted the section to be translated.

"It's a little sketchy with the slang but I believe it was something like 'of course you meat sack'." She said with a chuckle.

Shauna laughed and looked back at the, now, intently watching figure behind the glass. The crazy girl tilted her head to the side in a very animal fashion before emitting a low growl.

It was quite obvious how much the sound disturbed the emotionally distraught agent.

"What's going on? Whhy... is she doing that?" Shauna asked, her voice shaking.

The woman held up her hand computer and pressed a few buttons.

"A Sue has just been escorted to an interrogation room down the hall. For some reason we've yet to identify, Emma can sniff them out within a hundred yards. We've a feeling the Yautja had something to do with it. No doubt they tried to make her as effective as possible."

Shauna thought that that was maybe just a little too creepy.

"No offense, but what do you expect me to do with her?" She eyed the old woman dubiously.

The woman turned to Shauna and handed her the translator.

"That, my dear, is entirely up to you. She's now _your_ responsibility." She grinned.

The woman casually strolled out the door leaving Shauna still standing there, looking like she'd been hit with something heavy. It only crossed the young agents mind_ after_ the woman had left, that she'd been planning to quit. She hated this place. She'd just been thrown into another assignment and she was _only_ just realizing it. _Damn SO!!_

Stepping up to the glass she thought about just dropping the translator and running. She could hop into some nice little universe and get lost. Her better instinct told her otherwise.

Yeah, they'd find her.

"So Lulu...you want to get out of this place and help me kill the unstoppable Uber Sue that has all our favorite characters so far out of canon that they reassemble the Teletubbies?"

Shauna had actually been speaking to herself. She'd just wanted to hear how ludicrous it _really_ sounded. But the very startlingly, chirpy voice that answered with a well timed "Kill Sue now?", brought her around to look at the smiling face of a girl that spent five years in the brutal world of Hunters and black, slimy, monsters.

"You want to... kill Sue's?" Shauna resounded.

The girl did the funniest purr that Shauna had ever heard and then began to jump up and down. It was then followed by some very out of tune singing to "Death to the Sues" and all to the melody of "Joy to the world". Shauna had found her avenue of access.

"If you promise to do what you're told I'll let you kill Sue's. Many Sue's, all day long. And if you're really, really good I'll try and get you some of your toys back" She spoke in the most patronizing voice but the girl didn't notice.

The crazy girl beamed and nodded frantically.

"Do...told...yesyesyesyesyesyes"

Shauna smiled, not a happy smile but a devious one.

"Ok...Lulu...I'm gonna come in to say hello. So you be good and we'll go from there."

* * *

"Nonononono...NOOOOO!!"

It wasn't Emma that was causing the racket this time, but Shauna. Her usual, somewhat professional demeanor was abandoned in favor of screaming insanity. It could even be said that her control deficient partner was keeping an unusual distance.

"THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!!!!ARGHHHHH!!" She screamed.

Her office was already trashed when Shauna ran out of steam. She just collapsed into a heap beside what was left of her desk.

"They can't do this to me!...I'm not paid enough!" She cried.

The only response she got was a very distraught sounding "Kill Sue now?" from Emma in the corner. Obviously the girl was used to being the nutty one, not the other way around.

"You probably don't even know what's happening, do you?" She whined to the wide-eyed girl.

Shauna had buried her face in her hands while trying to figure out how to do this. Six weeks had passed since they'd been introduced and against all odds, progress had been made. The evaluation had even gone fantastic. Better than Shauna could have hoped but now they'd decided to go ahead with their original plan, to drop Emma into the uber Sue's universe, with...oh, one small change.

Shauna was going with her.

She was on the verge of tears when two fingers pulled her chin up.

"Kill Sue!!!" Emma adamantly told her.

Shauna met with narrowed eyes and a confident smile. It comforted her, in the loosest sense, to know that whatever the girl did, Erana would suffer greatly. The rest of Emma's sentence trailed off into Yautja and the translator clipped to Shauna's side beeped. She couldn't help but laugh. As usual Emma knew just what to say to ease her Sue troubles.

"_I want a Sue rug."_

A frequent request from the girl, however, the connotation was clear. She wanted a Sue skin rug and she'd every intention of making one out of this uber Sue. Shauna smiled a little.

"You just don't let that _Thing_ take me! If she does then you have my full permission to kill me. Right?" She smirked.

The Sue slayer gave Shauna a devious Cheshire cat grin, full of the perfect pearly whites, the ones you get from four years of orthodontic work. (Not the Sue-ish kind that you're magically born with, but the kind of perfect teeth you suffer to get.) Shauna, although happy to know she would do it, was a little hurt to think she could do it so easily.

"Hey...you don't have to enjoy it so much" She quipped.

Emma tried to feign an innocent childish look but just succeeded in making herself look downright scary.

"Ok, ok...I'll believe you, just stop smiling, your freaking me out" She laughed.

"_Tell me about Sue!!" _The sanity deprived girl questioned.

The translator picked it up and Shauna looked into the now deadly serious expression of the Sue slayer. She was only just beginning to realize that the girl had lost everything she was to the P.P.C, all she had left was killing Sue's.

"You know Eru? Right? Well, you know how in The Silmarillion, he's the one, the creator essentially the beginning. Well if I tell you her name's Erana..._wife _of Eru, who's basically abolished the Valar and made herself flesh to "Help" Arda...to...fight?"

Emma's face had gone a pale sickly color and her breathing had become dangerously uneven. Her left temple was twitching and she was mouthing something. If Shauna was to guess, she'd have said Emma was having a panic attack. The kind of fist clenching, skull smashing panic attacks that P.P.C agents are famous for. Hence the reason why Shauna was now standing in a defensive position on the opposite side of the room. Had she been thinking rationally she'd have tried clearing all sharp objects away but considering her earlier tantrum, the room was a sea of sharp, pointy objects. Suddenly the Sue slayer darted to her feet and began roaring.

For the first time in a month Shauna, personally, had heard more than "kill Sue" in English.

"_Wife_ of Eru...WIFE OF ERU!!!_ WIFE OF PAUKING ERU!!!_." Emma roared.

It had taken a shock of equal magnitude to draw Emma out of her stupor. Shauna could have saved a lot of time had she just said all this at the start.

"Next you'll try and tell me that she's proclaimed herself Queen, has married Aragorn is having an affair with Legolas and living in a pearly white version of Baradur!" She shrieked.

Shauna really didn't want to answer that question. That and she was frozen half in fear, half in shock. As it happens she didn't need to say anything, silence said everything she couldn't.

"You have got to be fucking with me? PLEASE...tell me you're joking. I didn't spend all that time on vacation just to come back to find that the P.P.C let a class one uber Sue take over Arda."

Shauna was happy that Emma was somewhat sane again, despite the reference to her mental breakdown as a holiday, but nobody _let _Erana do anything, they couldn't stop her. She'd lost friends trying.

"We didn't just let her...we couldn't kill her. My last partner and loads of teams were converted in the last attack." She solemnly whispered.

All the anger melted from the agents face and one of utter horror replaced it.

"That's...not possible..." She warbled out.

The wonderful English trailed into yautja again and Shauna cursed herself for being so blunt. She'd cracked again. She should have taken the period of lucidity and eased Emma into it. She'd had to lose it and now the poor girl had been shocked back to her earlier mental state.

"I shouldn't have said that...sorry!" She pleaded

"Sorry 'bout what?"

Shauna was taken aback when the girl seemed to snap to attention.

"You're not crazy anymore." Shauna announced happily.

The girl gave an awkward smile although still visibly shaken with the news.

"Well, you're assuming I was sane to begin with. Personally, one mental breakdown per lifetime is about it." Emma laughed it off.

Shauna wasn't wholly convinced. She wished there was some crazy agent litmus test.

"You sure you're alright...you've been locked up for nearly two years in a padded room because of one bad fic. That's seven years out of society. Seven freaking years."

Emma's eyes narrowed and strolling over to Shauna she flicked her on the forehead. To which she got a very girlish "OWW"

"It wasn't _just _one bad fic. It was a long, long line of **bad** fics. I was pretty high strung and it got to me. Not that I don't still think killing the author's a good idea but if I did that there'd be no more Sues for me to skin. Plus, you're forgetting about the Alien thing aren't you!"

Shauna was ready to jump for joy but then the worst thought struck her out of the blue.

"Oh...shit. You were a secret weapon because you were out of control nutty. Now that you're not homicidal anymore, are you still a weapon?" She nervously asked. Eve would have her head if she inadvertently neutered their secret weapon.

"Who say's I'm not homicidal? Sure I had some problems, but _not_ being a crazed, bloodthirsty lunatic was never one of them. I was considered a weapon _before_ I could skin a Sue in thirty seconds flat." She spoke as though that made perfect sense.

Shauna was still trying to wriggle her way around the double negative use in her sentence when she caught the bit about skinning Sues.

"Sorry... I missed that. What was it you where saying...something about Sues?" She asked innocently.

Emma waved her hand at the remark and came swiftly back to the Sue responsible for her recovery and early release from loony central.

"So...when do I get the pleasure of killing _her_?" She rubbed her hands together gleefully.

Shauna's pager beeped and a portal opened in front of them.

"Sooner than I'd like...grab those supply bags."

Emma slung both heavy rucksacks over her shoulder and stood at the entrance of the portal.

"What do we go as. Orcs, Men?" She'd been absently wondering.

Shauna had thought all this out beforehand. The world didn't have Orcs roaming freely around anymore and if they wanted to really blend in there was only one disguise that would do it.

"I'm afraid it's Elves this time." She regretfully stated.

"Oh shit!! I'd better not be wearing a dress when we get there. I didn't like them before, I _HATE_ them now"


	3. Fashion Sense

**Fashion sense**

"I'm going to really, really, _REALLY_...ENJOY.WATCHING.YOU.SKIN. THAT.PIECE.OF.SOON TO BE MANGLED. _ORCSHIT!!!!"_

Emma spared a glance at Shauna, from underneath the hand covering her eyes and was so grateful that _she_ hadn't been planted in the putrid excuse for an Elvish gown.

What the Sue had gone and done was manage to twist the universes native dress. What should have been a tasteful, simple gown was sparkly, overdone, extremely low cut and PINK! Even though she wasn't actually wearing it Emma couldn't help but lose her morning breakfast behind a bush.

While wiping a string of colored drool from the end of an unfortunate dread Emma offered what _she_ would consider her condolences.

"It's fucking hideous...glad it wasn't me"

Shauna plucked off a badly sown sparkly-thing-a-ma-bob and flicked it at the Sue slayer. She couldn't help but burst out laughing as it stuck to the end of her nose and Emma was left there, cross eyed, staring at the thing. Her shock and utter revulsion were quite evident when she let out one of the most convincing impressions of a Banshee's wail. It was a hell of a sight to see a dreadlock wearing elf jump up and down screaming like she had just been attacked by a swarm of bees. She acted as though it burned. Come to think of it if she was so sensitive to Sues, it probably did.

"Don't ever .do. that. again!...not if you want to see your next birthday!"

Shauna stopped laughing, but only because a ray of light had reflected off her _ugly, shiny _bodice and momentarily blinded her. Both assassins stood there in the bushes cursing the Sue. Only the occasional smirks from Emma broke the universal Sue hatred that seemed to be killing some of the trees and _pink _flowers around their feet.

"I don't know what you find so funny, sure, you're not in a dress, but it ain't much better!"

Emma was appalled to find that Shauna was indeed correct. While she thankfully wasn't in a dress. Her mismatch of greeny colors, combined with the shiniest brown boots she'd ever seen and a whole load of bad, Celtic, Irish designs made her feel more disgusting than the time she slipped in Alien drool. Plus, as if the clothing wasn't bad enough, her sleeves had lace..._frills_.

"Couldn't we just...maybe...please...find some Orcs! "

Shauna rolled her eyes. She was almost wishing that the "kill Sue now!" crazy was back. Emma was bigger a handful.

"Listen, we'll just mug the first two decently dressed Elves we find."

Shauna had no idea just how hard that would prove to be.

They entered without any problem and began to aimlessly roam the halls of Rivendell but all the Elves where dressed the same. In that overbearing, stupid, fashion disaster waiting to happen, piano necktie trend. Shauna actually had to resort to some deductive reasoning.

"Right, so we know that this stupid bitch thinks this type of fashion disaster is cute. So naturally in the mind of a Sue all her favorite characters would be dressed like this. So what character/Elf would she not like?"

Emma put her finger up.

"She's married to Aragorn, right? Arwen's a natural choice!"

Shauna smirked,

"Now we just have to navigate this disaster and find said Elf...it's almost like the P.P.C..."

Shauna caught the angry glare from the Sue slayer,

"I said _almost_. You know, Rivendell was a piece of architectural wonder, this Sue replica is filled with more dead ends than you could count! Only a Sue could find her way."

Shauna had unwittingly given the Sue slayer an idea.

Emma closed her eyes and spun around until she was extremely dizzy. When she came to a stop she put a wobbling finger up in the path directly ahead. Obviously the key to navigation was not to think at all. Randomly picking a direction was a completely Sue-ish stroke of genius. ( Author rolls her eyes and can't actually believe she put genius and Sue in the same sentence)

"What do you think we'll say to the Evenstar, I mean to explain the theft of her hopefully acceptable clothing?"

Shauna wasn't worried.

"Erana' stolen her one true love! I say we tell her the truth. That we're on a daring quest to butcher the Queen. Not that it would be much of an issue. These sort of non male characters tend to be under developed. Don't look too shocked if she's a drooling, jealous airhead."

Emma cringed, the thought of the beloved Evenstar being corrupted and twisted into nothing more than a demented flunky. It was making her feel queasy.

"Lets just get this over with...I can hardly look menacing in _frills_."

Even as the words rolled off her tongue Emma shivered uncontrollably and threw up again over the side of a balcony. It could have been the frills, Shauna's dress or a combination of that and the spinning.

Both agents panicked when they heard it.

"LIKE OMG. DAT IS SOOOOO GROOSSS."

Both agents tentatively peered over the balcony and had been expecting something appalling, something horrific, but never in their wildest nightmares had they ever contrived of this.

Shauna watched as small tears formed in the corner of Emma's eyes. This was no Sue that she'd thrown up on. This under dressed, makeup wearing, Rocky Horror picture show wannabe was in fact the Evenstar.

"No it can't be...she isn't...I can't look...God, _I threw up on her_!...what in the name of Eru is she wearing... Is that makeup? They don't even have makeup in Arda..."

Emma's babbling was as jumbled as the poor Evenstars sentences.

"It's not right, it's not right, it's not right!!!"

In a very unusual display of comfort Shauna gave the tearful girl a hug.

"It's ok...we'll make the bitch pay. I'll just add it to the list of charges."

Emma spat the next sentence out through clenched teeth.

"Don't bother, I'm...going...to...carve... it...on...her...gravestone..."

Even though it was an unusual touchy moment Shauna saw the bigger issue at hand through all of Emma's childlike sobbing.

"Well, I think we can rule the Evenstar out as a source of wearable clothes. We'll just have to wear what we have."

Emma's mood swung faster than a giddy child on a swing.

"LIKE HELL... AM _I_... STEPPING FOOT OUTSIDE THIS _DUMP_ LOOKING LIKE A FREAKING **SUE!!**"

Shauna just shrugged it off. Emma had problems, major problems. But then again she was feeling a little more relaxed in the abomination of a dress to get too stressed about it.

"Well, what do you suppose we do then?"

Emma slowly was swinging her head from side to side in a very familiar Alien motion. Shauna was growing worried that she might be regressing when her thoughts were interrupted with the arrival of two Elves, who spun around the corner arm in arm.

Emma seemed to almost smile at their presence. That should have been clue enough as to her type of plan.

"Your names!!"

Both Elves seemed to suddenly see the girl. As though a hazy fog had just cleared around her. Ignoring the obvious tone of absolute hatred in the order they, with unnaturally cute childlike voices, proceeded completely unaware of their present danger.

"My name is Amerial Silver Shining Star, and this is... Moonlights Dance?"

Emma's curious smile had turned to a sneer and she abruptly interrupted the two idiotic Elves to shout at Shauna; who had automatically concealed herself behind a pillar.

"It's ok, they're extra-canon characters."

Using the turning momentum she planted a swift fist to the side of the first ones head before backhanding the other. Both non-Tolkien Elves were unconscious before you could say "Death to the Sues".

Standing over the two unmoving forms with her hands on her hips Emma waited a few moments before realizing that Shauna hadn't a clue what she was doing.

"Help me with them...now would be good!"

Shauna took one of the surprisingly light bodies and hauled it into the nearest empty room. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Emma standing almost blankly over the second elf before grabbing it's hair and effortlessly flinging it in after Shauna. The whole thing with Arwen must have gotten to her. Shauna was most thankful that this Arwen had been written with such a short attention span.

"What do you intend to do with them? They're dressed worse than us!!"

That was _really_ saying something.

"Listen we can strip them and cut off the bits we don't like. I could maybe salvage what I'm wearing but there is no known cure for pink and sparkly."

Shauna had actually grown almost accustomed to the...dress? (Author looks down at her shaking hands and feels ill for writing that.)

"Wow...that was strange!!"

Emma's head snapped up.

"What was?"

"Just for a second I almost LIKED it"

Emma involuntarily took a step back. While nothing short of the devil himself would ever be claimed to frighten the Sue slayer. The very concept that a previously, relatively normal person would ever like _THAT!!._ It frightened her more than she'd ever admit.

"Uh oh... not good"

Shauna got very nervous at this point, Emma was holding something back.

"What are you not telling me_, Lulu_?"

Emma took a large, deep calming breath. Trying to get more than "ehh" and "well" to come out of her suddenly very dry mouth. Her fidgeting hands and avoiding gaze were rapidly disturbing Shauna.

"Well...I was thinking about what you told me earlier. About how this thing abolished the Valar. You know Nienna and all those."

Shauna's impatient gaze was actually very intimidating. Even when used on a crazy like Emma.

"Well basically they're the world powers, they give life to everything, sustain it. So if they're gone that means _she's_ the one giving life to everything."

Shauna was rapidly losing concentration,

"So?"

"Well, here we're subject to certain laws, physics, the environment. Well she _is_ the environment. Everything in this messed up world is oozing _Sue-ness. _ Like alcohol it's intoxicating, I think you...might...be affected.

Shauna seemed to try and comprehend what was just said. Just for a moment the light bulb clicked but sheer panic forced the revelation out of reach. It was only when she caught Emma's freaked out expression and her sympathetic nod that it really hit home. As soon as it settled in that she might already be under the power of the uber Sue of Doom her eyes fluttered closed and she, very ungracefully, passed out. The Sue slayer could actually be seen to wince at the sound of skull hitting the floor.

"Oh, she is not going to be happy when she wakes up...maybe I should have caught her?... Nah"

A squeaking sound from one of the Elves startled Emma.

"Whaa...what's going on"

The only response the Elf got was a kick to the head followed by a frustrated sigh.

Emma, her usual charming self, left Shauna where she lay and got to work on the unconscious Elves. If they were really being slowly drawn to the pink side of hideous, shiny and tacky. Every minute was going to be of essence.

* * *

"NOT A SUE!!!"

Shauna's waking screams brought Emma's hand across the back of her head. The painful shock to her semi-concussed brain immediately silenced her.

"We have to be quiet, they arrived while you where asleep."

Shauna was still in that place between conscious and comatose. She took a few seconds to process why she'd been slapped, why she had the worst headache and what Emma was whispering.

"I'm sure they can see us. We're gonna have to leave pretty soon."

Shauna had regained enough conscious thought not to have to ask who she was talking about. She could very well guess.

Converted agents had arrived in Rivendell.

"How many? Do you recognize them?"

Emma sat with her back against the far wall and slunk down. Either thinking or obviously depressed, maybe both.

"You never said there was so many of them."

Yeah, that was depression.

"You know... this could maybe work in our favor."

Shauna did a double take, Emma's depression had a life span similar to that of her last goldfish. Major mood swings seemed to be a specialty of hers.

"This works in our favor?... How did you manage to figure that out?"

Shauna's face looked grim and disbelieving. Sometimes she just felt like smacking Emma for dragging her into this.

"I'm serious, the Valar had to expend great amounts of time and energy to keep this place in peace. If we sow a little mayhem into her little pink world we can drain her enough, maybe, just enough to kill her."

Shauna's face brightened just a little but darkened just as fast.

"How do you suppose we do that? We're not God's and we don't have an Army. Jeez...try and think ahead, please!!"

Emma stood up and, walking past Shauna, gave a swift kick to the head of the other, now semi-conscious, half naked elf.

"Wow... maybe you should trust me BECAUSE I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE SHORT SIGHTED, SEMI CONCUSSED BRAIN!! I know where we can find an Army just begging to chow down on a little Sue flesh and I have a few more ideas, so bare with me."

Shauna admitted defeat, no surprise there, and decided to follow Emma's plan. Whatever _that_ turned out to be. From the occasional funny looks she kept giving Shauna, Shauna knew she wasn't going to like it. After altering a few of the more nauseating aspects of the clothing, Shauna was dragged into a newly formed portal.

* * *

"Why are we here? I mean I do feel less Sue-ish being down here but do we have to?"

Emma had constructed a theory concluding with the thought that complaining was contagious.

"Listen, this is where we get our Army, so shut up and try to be a little stealthy please!"

Shauna wasn't a very big fan of dark small spaces so trekking in the dark through the mines of Moria wasn't her idea of a fun or acceptable plan.

"You sure about this. I'm...kind of a...closet ..."

Emma hadn't heard that last bit. Shauna had whispered it so low.

"Say again!"

Shauna rolled her eyes in behind Emma's back and cursed her non Sue-ish hearing. (Author, again, feels ill for writing that)

"Listen, oh 'she who kills on very small whim'. I...am...a...claustrophobic...nutcase. Just like you're a permanent homicidal nutcase. Now, while I do have some level of control, unlike your wonderful charming self, I'm not going to shut up unless you tell me what you're doing!"

Emma turned with flashlight in hand and for just a second Shauna saw that scary gleam in her eyes that might indicate an oncoming trashing with a certain light source.

"Fine. We are at present trekking through Moria trying to find the last remnants of the Orc's. No doubt they would flee to the deepest, darkest holes they could."

Shauna couldn't understand this girl's obsession with Orcs. Though in retrospect, Orcs where the last thing, even a Sue would bother to change. Maybe it gave Emma some kind of comfort to be around such a consistent story factor.

Shauna gave Emma a "that wasn't so hard" look before her face fell and Emma practically snarled at her.

The sudden boom of drums and the series of arrows that went whizzing by Shauna's nose once again pressed Emma's point of being absolutely quiet. Although it was now a little too late for silence considering they'd just been discovered.

Shauna let out a high pitched scream before stumbling back on her ass. In the time it took her to contemplate being eaten by Orcs, an overly firm hand had gripped hers and had started rapidly and rather mercilessly pulling her through the darkness. Not the fittest of people, considering one spent a couple of years in a single room and the other was just plain lazy. Both agents where gasping for breath in a few minutes.

As they navigated the winding and at times small paths Shauna voiced her concerns.

"How...can...they...see...us?"

Shauna was deeply concerned about that. Normally they'd be completely invisible to the Orcs. Another arrow could be heard colliding with the rocks beside Shauna's head.

"Don't know...ask again later...when we aren't running...for our lives."

She took the hint and shut up.

When Shauna's legs started burning she knew it was near the end. Only when she tripped over an imaginary rock and fell flat on her face did she realize it actually _was_ the end.

Emma stopped in her tracks as Shauna skidded along face first in the dirt. After years of listening to monster's in the dark Emma could guess there was maybe eight or nine scouts and they where very close. If they kept running they would be too tired to fight back when they were caught. Looking around the Sue slayer spotted a potential hiding spot.

"Right...**you**...stay here..."

Emma hauled Shauna to her feet and pushed her into a crevice in the giant wall of rock. Shauna was petrified, not only about the Orcs but because her human shield was abandoning her. Her very pale and sweaty face was pleading with the Sue slayer.

Completely ignoring her small whimpers, the last thing Emma said to her before pushing the torch into her hands and rushing off left Shauna standing, clutching the flashlight like a bible in hell.

"Thanks for remembering to pack my toys...I'll be back...just don't move."

Another small whimper and the sound of metal against metal were all that could be heard over the boom of the drums. Calming herself down Shauna took a deep breath and turned the flashlight off while pressing herself so close to the rock she was sure there'd be some kind of body shaped imprint.


	4. Boom Boom

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything to do with the LOTR. I own Shauna and Emma. Well, I can't own Emma, considering she's me.

**AN:** If you've made it this far and haven't, either lost your mind or lost the plot completely. Well...congratulations, it's only gonna get crazier. Enter...the Orcs!

**Boom Boom **

"So... you're alone in Moria...Your partner took the weapon bag so you can't arm yourself...and the said human shield has abandoned you in favor of chasing down some Orcs. You're cold, alone, scared and unarmed in a small pitch black crevice at the bottom of a mine. What do you do?"

Shauna opened up the supplies and started eating some chocolate. She couldn't go anywhere and she'd learned working with Claire that panicking only made more problems. So she'd hide, let that bitch of partner kill all the Orcs and enjoy a little comfort while she could. Lord knows this might be the last thing she ever ate.

"Well, well, well...what's this? Looks like we founds ourselves a little play toy...what'd ya think boys?"

Shauna froze, empty wrapper in hand. Looking out into the darkness, trying to focus in the general direction the voices had originated. For a split second she thought they'd found Emma before her high I.Q kicked in, calmly alerting her to the fact that Emma wasn't anywhere near here and could pretty much handle herself. That and the fact that she could now feel a very jagged, sharp sword tapping her abdomen. Shauna was more than certain she was screwed.

"If I said I was a demon in disguise and you'd all die a gruesome horrific death unless you walked off right now...you wouldn't believe me would you?"

Shauna said this in a less than optimistic tone of voice. She, unsurprisingly, didn't get answer and the last thing Shauna felt was a fist impacting with her head. The world spun and her last thoughts before blackness where of decapitating a certain person, slowly, with a really blunt knife.

* * *

"Wake up!... I SAID WAKE UP!!" 

Shauna was always the last to rise so when she simply rolled over and told the Orc to give her "five more minutes, please!!", she found herself on the receiving end of a nasty kick.

"Awake are we?"

Shauna sat up and nodded, all the while talking to herself.

"Oh yeah, just stay here... you'll be fine...psychotic, fucking bitch! That's the last time I listen to that crazy...OWW!!"

The Orc had heard enough of Shauna's ranting and planted a swift backhand across her face. It was obvious he wanted her full attention.

"Goin' to shut it are we...little fat Elf"

A now very confused Shauna became quietly contemplative. The Orc obviously had had dealings with Sue's before. He went straight in for the one thing he knew would set a girl off. Only problem that Shauna got caught on was the small fact that SHE WASN'T FAT!. Sure she loved food but she couldn't be fat...Could she?

The thought suddenly struck her that these Orcs where comparing her to a regular anorexic Sue. All the paranoia washed away and she let out a rather loud "ah ha...thank God". The Orc was looking at her in a whole new light, like she was deranged or diseased or something.

"You might want to reconsider your insults...and for your information... **I'M NOT FAT!!**!"

The Orc took a step back. With very little written intelligence and virtually no back story this Orc, with Shauna giving him the patented "glare of doom" she'd learned from the Sue slayer, couldn't figure out how to proceed. The early Erana had of course been captured by Orc's. The story had said that she'd arrived with no memory and no understanding of her own powers, had been captured by Orc's who instead of just killing her( like they would have been prone to do), they took her captive. Shauna had thought that that was ridiculous but now it was probably the only thing keeping her alive. This fundamental written part of the Orc mentality that meant keeping captives alive for a period of time until, of course, someone could rescue them. Of course Erana had been rescued by the fellowship on their unbelievably short journey through the Mines. Had Emma not portalled most of the way in the trip might have only taken hours, unfortunately neither knew where they where going. Moria was a bitch in Sue stories.

All this thinking was giving Shauna a headache. In the past twenty four hours she'd been hit in the head numerous times and had been forcd to run for her life. All in all it had been a shitty day.

A high pitched shriek resonated around the cavern before her thoughts could get any further. In the dim torch light she could make out a single Orc stumbling in the entrance.

"Skins...it's tooks the skins...ripped out the innards..."

The Orc promptly collapsed, blood spilling out of his mouth as his last words where gurgled.

"Demons...demon in the dark."

Shauna couldn't help but cringe and then smirk, then cringe some more with a few retching noises before finally bursting out laughing.

Every Orc in the place turned to her with what could only pass as horrified looks on their faces.

"I don't think I mentioned my friend...little crazy...quite dangerous!"

The obvious leader of this little pack snarled at Shauna before lunging and pulling her up by her hair. Shauna may have been just a little bit cocky but she was smart enough to be scared shitless.

"If you let me go I'll call it off...otherwise..."

Another scream echoed down one of the nearby corridors and the Orc flinched just a little. Shauna was the next to flinch as the Orc in question shoved a knife close to her face.

"You'll tell your friend to back off... or you die!"

Maybe Shauna had underestimated their intelligence. She just gulped dumbly as the knife began gently pricking the skin around her throat.

"Hmm...smart...maybe the Sue got something right after all."

The voice that broke the tension was hollowed out and very artificial but it _was_ close and the Orc leader could tell. He ran the knife along Shauna's neck, drawing a little blood.

"Show yourself demon...I don'ts likes tricks!"

The voice let loose a loud shrill laugh, even Shauna felt the hairs on her neck stand up.

"I'm not here to trick you, I'm here because I need your help...because _we_ need your help!"

Shauna couldn't help but let a small smile creep around her face. Even the Orc's roaring laughter couldn't take away from the fact Emma had just said "we".

"Why would we want to help you?"

The voice that answered in reply was unnaturally calm and serene, Shauna immediately recognized the freaky tranquil tone. It was Emma's version of the calm before the storm.

"Because we have a common enemy and an almost overwhelming desire to exact a blood soaked revenge... That and I'm the one who's going to journey around this place killing every Orc's I find...starting with you...if you don't agree."

Well, the Orc considered this. Shauna could see his eyes working around, half in thought and half in paranoid search of this invisible foe.

His questioning reply indicated the first step toward their goal.

"Common enemy? You mean the...the _'Elf'..."_

That one word had been laced with so much venom, so much disgust that Shauna was sure if she'd have seen Emma's face she'd have seen some kind of recognition. As it was she didn't even know where the Sue Slayer was. The voice seemed to be moving around the room.

"Yes, I mean that..._abomination._ We've been sent to orchestrate her destruction. While our appearances may seek to fool you we aren't actually Elves."

The Orc tilted his head to the side slightly.

"We?"

Shauna heard a very distinctive sigh, almost immediately followed by what reminded her of electrical sparks.

"Yes...'we'...as in me, and her!"

Emma just seemed to melt out of the darkness. As though she'd been part of the very wall itself. The remaining Orc's in the room all turned snarling towards her. Weapons at the ready.

"Emma...did you suddenly become brain cell deficient, or am I imagining this bout of overwhelming stupidity."

Emma's attention was taken off the gathering Orc's and now fixed entirely on Shauna.

"Did...you just call me dumb?"

Shauna was about to reply but caught sight of an advancing Orc, circling behind the Sue Slayer. Before she could growl out a warning Emma spun, wrist blades detaching as she slashed open the chest of the oncoming Orc.

"No seriously...I'd like a little clarification on the whole 'brain cell deficient' thing. Do you really think I'm stupid?" To Shauna's surprise, Emma sounded a little hurt.

No sooner had the body of the first Orc tumbled to the ground before the Sue Slayer was being rushed by a second and a third. It was odd to picture the scene, considering the lead Orc still had Shauna by the hair, knife to her throat whilst the pair where arguing. He just seemed to be stunned. Some kind of intellectual shock. Considering he had more intelligence than the average Orc, it was a plausible theory.

The next wave of attacks didn't get very far, considering she had her back to them. Shauna couldn't figure out how she did it without looking, but at the last minute she side stepped letting the Orc pass her, just before she cut a deep trench across his back. She turned into the next attack ducking under the wide arc of the oncoming blade before plunging her wrist blades into his abdomen.

After pulling the dripping blades out Emma stood up straight and made a decision to continue the argument another time. It wasn't the place for it.

"Ok...as much fun as I get out of killing stuff, it's not your lot I want to be killing. Got me...so if you feel you must I won't have any problems gutting the rest of them but..."

Emma flashed that creepy smile. The flickering firelight from the camp fire bathing her face in red and orange. Allowing traces of her inhumanity and Alien brutality to shine through. Needless to say the Orc recognized _that_ look.

Shauna was let fall to her knees and had scrambled to her feet a few seconds later. It was only now that she could turn her head to witness the arrival of, yet more Orcs. Despite Emma's certain, disturbing abilities, Shauna hadn't a single doubt that against so many they where pretty much fucked.

It was all up to this one Orc and whether Emma had put up enough of a front to convince him.

"So...you're _not_ Elves!"

Emma seemed overly relaxed considering the crossroads both agents where currently standing at.

"Seriously...do I look like any Elf you've seen?"

The Orc leader studied the pair carefully, paying more attention to the obvious threat, who was actually squeezing some Orc blood from one of her dreads.

"Then what are you?"

Shauna had no idea how Emma was going to cover that angle, it's not as if she could be stupid enough to tell them the truth. _Shit, could she?_

"We're disciples of Melkor...here to dethrone the _Thing _that has taken over Arda."

Shauna breathed a very large sigh of relief, that and flashed the Sue Slayer one of those "good one!" looks.

It was now that an unnamed Orc decided to speak up,

"The Thing? Oh...you mean, Erana!"

Everyone in the room, the Sue Slayer included turned to look at the Orc with expressions of pure disgust. It seemed as though Emma was snarling...scrap that... Emma was definitely snarling.

"Don't... say it's name...ever...is that clear!"

The growled out words left the Orc nodding dumbly. He probably hadn't heard a single word, so intently he'd been fixed with that chilling stare from those absolutely merciless eyes. He understandably didn't speak again, he even started breathing in short quiet gasps. To Shauna it sounded like he was hyperventilating. Something was wrong with these Orcs. Very, very wrong. They where acting so...Human. Emma had to have noticed it...right?

"Anyone from now on who...even lets out a breath in my presence that sounds like that _things_ name...will die...slowly. You will address me as First and my accomplice as Second. You will take all our orders...without question and without hesitation. In return we will give you the opportunity to burn that bitch's palace to the ground...and if your really lucky you get to watch when I rip her limb from limb. Any problems?"

The leader stepped forward accompanied by another Orc. This new one eyeing the duo very suspiciously. It was he who spoke out now, either he was undeniably stronger than the rest or he was an idiot.

"Why should we follow...such...tasty little Elves"

Shauna recoiled, rather visibly, when he licked his lips at her, all before her traumatized mind latched onto the absolutely mundane in order to preserve her waning sanity.

"Wait...why are you looking at me...hold up...you think I'm fat don't you! BASTARD...**I'M NOT FAT**!"

Shauna had snapped and lunged at the Orc in question, tearing and punching. Emma could have sworn she saw Shauna biting as well. On a normal day the Orc would have had the advantage in any fight with Shauna but he hadn't expected this kind of reaction, nor to be tackled to the ground and subsequently mauled. After the day they'd had, Emma had been wondering when the girl would finally lose it. She knew it wasn't necessarily the "fat" implication that had singly done it. It just happened to be the last straw.

Grabbing a hold of the girls belt Emma pulled her of the battered Orc. Shauna was thrashing tying to get back at him. Locking eyes with the Orc's stunned leader Emma smiled.

"Still think we're Elves?"


End file.
